Leave No Room for Secrets in your Marriage

There’s enough evidence that for a significant number of people, secrets can cause stress and anxiety. Oblivious to this fact, some enter into marriage without disclosing crucial information to each other. So later in the marriage they are burdened with countless efforts to prevent any secret from being discovered by their spouse.

It is more common now for couples to keep secrets in marriage, but such lifestyle can subtly put a devastating strain on marriages. Some couples don’t see anything wrong with this and others mutually accept that each spouse can keep secrets so that no one is hurt. Certainly this cannot be the solution to maintaining a healthy marriage.

When a married man or woman is caught in a lie after keeping secrets, some try to rationalise their actions by giving excuses like:

“I really wanted to tell you”.

“I never meant to hurt you”.

“You never asked”.

“I tried telling you”.

“I was tempted”.

“I was desperate”.

These excuses do not sit well with the broken hearted and the devastated spouse. How can this betrayed spouse believe anything their spouse has to say after they have been lying, hiding things, mismanaging finances or leading a complete double life? Such betrayal may seem impossible to get over and heal, but the Holy Spirit is more than able to heal the marriage and restore love to the hurting spouse. Every marriage including yours can escape this kind of ordeal and that is by simply leaving no room for secrets in your marriage.

How do we describe a ‘secret’?  Something that is kept or meant to be kept hidden/unseen by others. Some have secrets or hidden things they prefer to keep to themselves, things that they do or think about or perhaps something that happened some time ago. There are couples who have no remorse of keeping secrets from their spouse because they consider their secrets harmless. Such ‘harmless’ secrets could be accepting intimate gifts from the opposite sex, gambling with your salary, flirting, watching nude pictures and many others.

Now let’s start with the unmarried. If you are engaged, or seriously dating someone whom you think you might marry, you may be wondering if you should tell it all and be an open book to the person. Your decision to share or withhold a secret about yourself should be at your discretion. Before sharing anything about yourself, including things that happened in the past, consider these points:

Timing:

Is it the right time to share something personal about yourself or your family? Don’t be in a haste to share any secret when you enter into a new relationship. If you do not have any plans to marry, then refrain from sharing a lot about yourself.

If you do plan to marry then find the right or best time to communicate those things. This is also not to say that you should deliberately wait until after you are married to share sensitive information.

Relevance:

Will everything you share now be relevant to your marriage? If you decide to omit something that you know your spouse should know, will that be a threat to your marriage later? There are certain issues that require full disclosure, this can be an existing health issue, a criminal record (even if you were falsely accused), a debt, or an addiction to pornography, alcohol, or others.

Trust:

Can you trust your partner? Are you willing to trust your partner?

‘A gossip goes around telling secrets, but those who are trustworthy can keep a confidence.’ Proverbs 11:13(NLT).     Your intention to share your secret may be that you want to be honest with your partner and enter into marriage with a clear conscience, but you need to be convinced that this person is not a gossip. That this partner is trustworthy and mature enough to handle your secret. If you cannot trust the person, you should not even get married to them, come to think of telling them your secrets.

Effects:

What impact will this secret have on your relationship, and potentially on your marriage? You cannot affirm your love, like Samson did by sharing things out of coercion. Do not be pressured into sharing personal or sensitive information about your life or that of your family. These are the words used to convince the strongest man in the Bible to share his deepest secret.

“Then Delilah pouted, “How can you tell me, ‘I love you,’ when you don’t share your secrets with me? You’ve made fun of me three times now, and you still haven’t told me what makes you so strong!” Judges 16:15 (NIV)

Will your secret remain safe? What happens to all the information you’ve shared when the relationship fails and you both decide not to marry? Will sharing the secret lead to the collapse of your relationship? Will it cause your partner to disrespect you?

No foothold!

There’s an old saying that ‘some things are better left unsaid’. In other words, it is safer not to disclose any secret to your spouse that may damage your marriage. But the truth is, every healthy intimate relationship requires a lot of honesty and disclosure. This is why every married couple should be wise and choose not to give the devil any foothold in their marriage. When you keep secrets from your spouse, you threaten the wellbeing of your marriage.

Complete transparency and honesty in marriage is possible and necessary. Couples with this mutual understanding consistently experience genuine intimacy, and peace reigns in their marriage. These couples have no reason to keep secrets or hide any relevant information from each other. This is one of the secrets to a successful and lasting marriage.

Unfortunately, there are some married men and women who can deceitfully hide secrets and they ask, “Who will ever notice?”

They think they are good at what they do and brag:

“We have devised the perfect plan!” Yes, the human heart and mind are cunning.” Psalms 64:6 (NIV)

But be warned! This is what God does to cunning people

“He traps the wise in their own cleverness so their cunning schemes are thwarted.” Job 5:13 (NLT)

We need to be reminded that every secret can have a profound effect on you and your marriage. This is because ‘everything that is hidden will eventually be brought into the open, and every secret will be brought to light.’ Mark 4:22(NLT)

So do well to Leave No Room for Secrets in your Marriage.